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And with the recent unveiling of the new iMac, Steve
Jobs had an idea. "I have an idea!" he said. "Since most folks seem
to think our new iMac is just a really really expensive desk lamp, maybe
we should start manufacturing household appliances!"
Steve then
danced around a bit, before adding "Hey! Since we're in the business of
making crap, why not start with a toilet?!"
And so the iToilet was
born. Apple fanatics the world over applauded the idea. Everyone else paid
no attention. |
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* Well, if truth be
told, Apple has yet to find a way to equal the superiority and speed of
the Pentium, but Steve Jobs insists that adding the second pipe does make
the iToilet flush twice as fast (Hey, we did it with the G4 and nobody
realised!) |
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Flushing made easy - it's not just
your money that goes down the drain! |
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People with bog-standard (no pun intended) toilets have to pull a
stupid chain when they want to flush. The Apple iToilet also has a chain,
but try as you might, pulling it won't have any effect. We did the same
thing with the eject button on the G4. But flushing the iToilet is very
easy! In fact, the flushing procedure will be very familiar if you've ever
used an Apple computer, as it works in much the same way as ejecting a
disc or deleting a file. Follow these simple steps for a first class
ticket to flushing heaven:
STEP 1: Pick up the items you wish to dispose of (yes,
really.) STEP 2: Drag said items to the waste disposal area.
STEP 3: A message will pop up asking if you really want to
delete the items. STEP 4: Click the yes button. STEP 5:
Wash your hands. |
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What if Things Go
Wrong? |
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*Okay, let's not delude ourselves here. We might not mention it in our
advertising, but an iToilet user will frequently suffer every toilet
user's nightmare: Clogging! This is an occurrence that is particularly
common with the iToilet, and you will just have to put up with it! It's
not our problem!
Clogging will happen at the most inconvenient of times.You will be
happily going about your 'business' when all of a sudden you will be
rudely interrupted by the following error message:
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Stupid boring idiotic people who choose to use other cheap inferior
toilets (such as the ridiculously fast Microsoft "Toilet 2000" or "Loo
XP") have to unclog the old-fashioned way - by pressing the "unclog"
button. We laugh in their faces because the procedure is just so much
quicker and far more fun with the iToilet! To unclog, follow these simple
instructions:
STEP 1: When the message box pops up telling you that the
iToilet has clogged, simply click the restart button in the dialogue box.
Keep clicking this button until you realise that it won't do anything
anyway because the iToilet has totally frozen and is not responding.
Proceed to Step 2
STEP 2: Press and hold the following keys
on your iToilet keypad: Ctrl+Shift+Alt+Command+Esc. This doesn't do
anything either, so proceed to Step 3.
STEP 3: Restart your
iToilet by inserting a straightened paperclip into the restart pin-hole.
This is located in a hard to reach place at the back of the iToilet. The
paperclip will break and get stuck in the pin-hole, invalidating your
warranty. Proceed to step 4.
STEP 4: Carefully lift the
toilet seat. Close it, then lift it again. Nothing will happen. Proceed to
Step 5.
STEP 5: Place your hand in amongst the muck that is
clogging up the pipe.
STEP 6: Simply feel around for another
tiny pin-hole which is also hidden away in a difficult to reach place and
push another straightened paper clip firmly into the pin hole. Because you
have your hand submerged in water and are touching metal you will be
electrocuted. This is not Apple's problem and we insist that the
pin-holes are a good design feature and are part of our "Think Different"
policy. You might want to have a look at "Apple Care" which now
includes life insurance (please note that death by electrocution is not
covered.) Proceed to Step 7.
STEP 7: The iToilet will
suddenly restart by itself for no apparent reason, and even though you are
"bursting to go" you must wait patiently for it to load (this is really
really really slow when compared to other toilets, but hey, the iToilet
looks funky and there's a cute little smiley face for you to look at while
it loads!) Once the iToilet has (finally) loaded it will still be clogged.
Wash your hands and proceed to Step 8.
STEP 8: Proceed to
Step 1. |
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A toilet to be proud of. |
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We hope we have convinced you
that you can't possibly go wrong with an Apple iToilet! Apple is dedicated
to creating user-friendly products that are good value for
money*
*Please note that unlike
other toilets, the iToilet is not compatible with toilet paper (which is
an outdated item according to Steve Jobs.)
Also, your initial $2500 iToilet purchase only includes
the toilet bowl. Other items like the toilet seat, chain and pipes are
sold separately at $700 each. Apple considers these items as
'non-essential' (just like the 'non-essential' items not included with the
G4 such as a monitor, floppy drive or software for the DVD burner to write
data DVD's)
Also, please note that an iToilet cannot be installed in
a bathroom |
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For more information regarding the iToilet contact Electric Chicken
(Stephen Murray) The e-mail address is ruffledfeathers@electric-chicken.co.uk or
visit http://www.raytracer25.btinternet.co.uk/index.html
Alternatively
you can sign the guestbook. |
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iToilet spoof advert written by Stephen
Murray. March 2002. iToilet rendered images designed and modelled by
Stephen Murray. The iToilet has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with
Apple. It is a joke (you knew that right?) and is not meant to offend.
This page is © Electric Chicken and is the original (are you happy
now, Marc Bradshaw?) Beware of imitations (yes, I'm talking to you
Kristopher "Chubby" Welsh! Sneakily copying and pasting someone else's
work into your own webspace and trying to make money out of it isn't big
or clever! So stop it!) |
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